Military Housing Bingo and the Game You Never Asked to Play

Everyone living in on-base housing is playing the same unspoken game. The card is identical across every installation. The prizes are questionable. Nobody wins.

The Free Space

A neighbor’s dog that barks at exactly 0600 every morning, regardless of weekend status or your work schedule. This is automatic. The universe provides.

The Lawn Warrior

Someone who treats grass height as a personal crusade and will absolutely report you for being three millimeters over regulation. They have a ruler. They’ve used it.

The Furniture Musical Chairs

That awkward moment at a block party when you recognize your own couch in a neighbor’s house because apparently the same IKEA KIVIK has occupied every unit in sequential PCS order since 2015.

The Mystery Stain

Something on the ceiling of the second bedroom that was definitely there when you moved in and will absolutely be blamed on you during checkout. Take photos. Always take photos.

The Parking Lot Patrol

An overly invested resident who monitors visitor parking with the intensity of someone guarding nuclear launch codes. They know your guests’ license plates. They’ve logged them.

The Appliance Roulette

A dishwasher that works according to its own mysterious schedule, a dryer vent that’s been “pending maintenance” since the Obama administration, and a stove burner that’s either off or surface-of-the-sun.

The HOA Energy

Housing office emails about trash can placement that read like they were written by someone who peaked as hall monitor in middle school. Your can was visible from the street for four minutes. There will be consequences.

If you’ve achieved blackout, congratulations. Your reward is another PCS to do this all over again somewhere else.

May the odds be ever in your favor.