Military Housing Bingo and the Game You Never Asked to Play

Military housing quirks have gotten complicated with all the new privatization changes flying around. As someone who’s lived in base housing at multiple installations, I learned everything there is to know about the unofficial game we’re all playing. Today, I will share it all with you.

Everyone living in on-base housing is playing the same unspoken game. The card is identical across every installation. The prizes are questionable. Nobody wins.

The Free Space

Probably should have led with this section, honestly. A neighbor’s dog that barks at exactly 0600 every morning, regardless of weekend status or your work schedule. This is automatic. The universe provides. I’ve had this neighbor at literally every duty station.

The Lawn Warrior

Someone who treats grass height as a personal crusade and will absolutely report you for being three millimeters over regulation. They have a ruler. They’ve used it. That’s what makes mowing a weekly anxiety event.

The Furniture Musical Chairs

That awkward moment at a block party when you recognize your own couch in a neighbor’s house because apparently the same IKEA KIVIK has occupied every unit in sequential PCS order since 2015. I’ve seen my exact furniture in at least three different homes.

The Mystery Stain

Something on the ceiling of the second bedroom that was definitely there when you moved in and will absolutely be blamed on you during checkout. Take photos. Always take photos. This is non-negotiable advice I give every new family moving in.

The Parking Lot Patrol

An overly invested resident who monitors visitor parking with the intensity of someone guarding nuclear launch codes. They know your guests’ license plates. They’ve logged them. That’s what makes having friends over a strategic operation.

The Appliance Roulette

A dishwasher that works according to its own mysterious schedule, a dryer vent that’s been “pending maintenance” since the Obama administration, and a stove burner that’s either off or surface-of-the-sun. I’ve submitted work orders that outlived my entire tour.

The HOA Energy

Housing office emails about trash can placement that read like they were written by someone who peaked as hall monitor in middle school. Your can was visible from the street for four minutes. There will be consequences. That’s what makes trash day more stressful than it should ever be.

If you’ve achieved blackout, congratulations. Your reward is another PCS to do this all over again somewhere else.

May the odds be ever in your favor.